INK-REDIBLE!

Last week, my wife and I received a communication via the Royal Mail, from BARCLAYS BANK in Leicester. It was headed, ‘Make money work for you”, with a bolder sub-heading, “See how much you could borrow with a Barclayloan’.

The ‘bankers’ (I almost started that word with the letter 'w') are offering to lend a person £7,000 at an interest rate of 12.9% APR for a term of 60 months. The monthly payments at £156.40. My calculator informs me that the total repayment is £9,384!

Alongside this sub-heading was an illustration of a young man and woman apparently involved in some DIY i.e., making or repairing things themselves, especially in the home. I presume the suggestion was that they could borrow money to do up their domicile!

The male has both arms, the backs of his hands, and his knuckles, comprehensively covered with tattoos. The girl has tattoos on the outside of one arm… the outside of the other arm is not visible.

I did some research into the cost of tattoos, and was both shocked and stunned. A ‘tiny’ tattoo will cost you £60-£90. A 2”x2” tattoo costs £90-£150, and a 4”x4” tattoo will set you back £150-£300! Tackiness costs a tidy sum, doesn’t it?

So, the message from the Barclays would appear to be… “Spend your denarii being disfigured… ‘cos you can always borrow from a bank!” Strewth!

To any delicate, decorated, disgruntled dullards … my advice would be… if ya can’t stand the heat, stay out of the tattoo parlour!

                                                               

MERSEY
MASQUERADE

The mayor of Liverpool, Joanne Anderson, is reported to have said, “I’m over the moon that Eurovision is coming to Liverpool. This is a massive event and the eyes of the world will be on us in May… “

“Now begins months of work to put on the best party ever.”

So… it will be the best party… but the ditties will be dire as per usual.  

What a load of pigeon pellets… if ya can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle ‘em with baloney!

The trouble with a lot of songs you hear these days is… someone forgot to put them to music!

Previous Eurovision shows have cost between £15,000,000 and £30,000,000! That’s a massive mound of moolah for mediocrity!

The sadists of the Spanish Inquisition must be turning in their tombs, not having tumbled to the torture they could have inflicted on transgressors by trotting out umpteen totally tuneless songs and forcing them to listen.

Of course, 'Rentacrowd' will be spread throughout the audience to scream and shout, and most likely the gosh-awful, garrulous Graham Norton will be on hand to smarm somewhat.

I can't wait to miss it!