NORWAY 

JOSE!

Whilst looking through YouTube the other day, I noticed that a Norwegian by the name of Viggo Venn had won the 16^th offering of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.

I must confess, I have managed to resist this hyped hysteria for all these years. The fact that ‘Ant and Dec’ were in attendance was enough to make me realise it wouldn’t be my cup of cocoa! 

The blurb that surfaced when I did a search for this Scandinavian spoofer’s success informed me, re the show… “In order to win the title, the people of Britain showcase their talent ranging from mundane to the most extraordinary acts that are seemingly impossible.” 

Well, I wasn’t exactly the jaguar’s jodhpurs when it came to geography at school, but I am fairly sure that Norway isn’t part of Britain. So… “shome mistake there, surely! “ 

However, I thought I would have a look at this person performing.

His act entailed supposedly humorous skits featuring him wearing high-visibility clothing. Mostly, he bounced around the stage removing one high-vis vest to reveal another high-vis vest, and so on and so on! He did spend some time with a boom pole microphone, encouraging the judges to give their names, and then he mimicked them. Clever stuff, eh? For this he was apparently awarded £250,000! Strewth! Gis' a job!

Heading the panel of judges was “Mr. Vested-Interest” himself… Simon Cowell… who, believe it or not, in 2008, was ranked in 6^th place by the Daily Telegraph in their list of the "100 most powerful people in British culture". Gawd ‘elp us! 

The other male on the panel… Bruno Tonioli… is trying to be ‘Browno Tonioli!’ He looks like a smoked mackerel! Could be he’s been standing too close to his barbecue! Let us spray! He was very active and almost continually convulsive, giving me the impression that he was working hard to guarantee his place on the panel for the next edition…. 

I didn’t recognise either of the two females “judges”, but then they were hiding behind quite a quantity of cosmetics. They laughed as much as they dare without maiming their make-up. One of them… I believe, Amanda Holden... is described as “a household name”… but then, so is Domestos! The other… Alesha Dixon is apparently a ‘celebrity’… that’s someone who is known by a lot of people they are glad they don’t know! 

There were cut-aways of the audience in convulsions... probably nicked from an old Ken Dodd or Morecambe and Wise show.

The gibbering Geordies…. Ant and Dec… were true to form… very active on the fringe, laughing at anything, goofing about, and trying to convince everybody that this was that best thing since sliced ham… something they hold dear to their hearts! They are to comedy what Jack the Ripper was to embroidery!

If this the best we have to offer, at least we can blame the Norwegians!

 WHAT A 

SPLASHING

IDEA!

Today is the 79th anniversary of the D Day landings, an appropriate time I reckon to launch my scheme for stopping illegal imigrants from crossing the Channel in small boats.

What's required is two or three landing craft, based on the D Day model, i.e. with a "flap" at the front which could be lowered as required. A few cattle prods would also come in handy.

As soon as the "I-Is" land in the vicinity of Dover, they are rounded up and "persuaded" to take their place on the provided British landing craft. They are then transported back across the Channel to France. When the landing craft hits the French beach, the "flap" is lowered and the "I-I"s are "persuaded" to disembark.

Once word gets around that a person can spend £2,000 or so and all they get is a round trip to Dover and back, the inflatables would disappear, like smoke in the wind!

For those who think that this would be cruel, unfair, or "not cricket", note the word "illegal" in the opening paragraph!