SLICK

FLICK

It has been announced that Prince Andrew’s 2019 BBC ‘Newsnight’ interview with Emily Maitlis is to be made into a film called ‘Scoop’. Well, you know what dog owners have to scoop up regularly, don’t you!

Here is some advance news I have just invented. The Duke of York will be played by James Corden, and Judy Dench and Helen Mirren will share the role of Emily Maitlis.

Part way through the grilling, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Statham, and Dwayne Johnson will crash their way through the Buckingham Palace roof on abseiling ropes from a hovering helicopter, and forcibly remove the royal personage from his chair, explaining that the seat has been sabotaged. By means of their jet backpacks, the saviours will soar skywards, whence they came, to drop the dangerous device in the Serpentine, where it will explode spectacularly, but safely.

The three heroes will return to have their photograph taken with the Prince, who will later deny that he was there!

Cue credits...

THE END

 

GOOD

GOLLY

MISS

MOLLY!

Amongst all the news from Sri Lanka, Ukraine and Downing Street, the BBC has managed to find space on its Newsbeat section to inform us that… 

“Molly-May Hague has had another Instagram post banned, this time after she failed to include any mention of it being an ad. 

It is the third time the 23-year-old influencer* has been in trouble with the Advertising Standard Authority (ASA)” 

I must confess I wasn’t familiar with this female… if you know what I mean! Apparently, she is a former 'Love Islander'. I have no idea where Love Island is. A Google search brought up a Livø Island in Denmark, and a Loon Island in Georgian Bay, Ontario. Both of these places sound somewhat remote. I reckon it is more likely to be Loon Island!

There is a picture of this person and she looks as though she is made out of plastic.

According to the Beeb, “This is the third time Molly-Mae has been "called out" by the ASA since 2020”. Do they do it from a mountain top, or a minaret?

Aren't you just gripped by this news... or perhaps you'd prefer to grip someone around the throat... and shake?

*Should that be "influenza" and they have missed out "spreader" or "sufferer"?

GARY

GLITTERS

 

News today that Gary Lineker has retained his title as the BBC’s highest paid presenter. The former footballer earned (sic) £1.35m last year for hosting ‘Match of the Day’ and coverage of ‘Euro 2020’, putting him comfortably ahead of second-placed Zoe Ball who hosts ‘The Zoe Ball Breakfast Show‘ (formerly, ‘The Radio 2 Breakfast Show’ which over the years was featured a gaggle of gabbers including Ken Bruce, Derek Jameson and Chris Evans… nuff said!), and takes home £980,000 per annum! That’s a lot of pennies for playing records, and rabbiting on. I used to do that for nowt on hospital radio. It’z zeezy, innit Zoe? 

Other top earners disclosed in the corporation’s annual report include Lineker’s Match of the Day colleague Alan Shearer on £450,000, BBC Northern Ireland presenter Stephen Nolan on £415,000, and News at Ten host Huw Edwards on £410,000.           

Boris Johnson’s successor will have a total salary of £164.080 made up of £79,936 for his/her role as Prime Minister, and an additional £84,144 for being an MP. The president of the U.S.A. has a salary of $400,000, a $50,000 expense account, $100,000 non-taxable for travel, $19,000 official entertainment account, and free housing, the total of which currently converts to just over £479,000. The average salary for a surgeon in the U.K. is just short of £76,000 per annum! 

Of course, Flash Gary doesn’t host ‘Match of the Day 2 ’which sometimes has more content than ‘Match of the Day’. That programme is generally fronted by Mark Chapman, who is paid around £250,000 by Auntie, which is well below Lineker’s loot, but better than a flick in the phiz with a flounder, don’tcha think? 

We’re talking licence payers pennies here of course.

 

DOG

IN A

MANGER

Whilst searching for a particular story on the BBC News webpage, I came across the following headline, dated 23.12.2021.

 "Pug cross stars as Jesus in nativity performed by dogs.”

 Now there’s a zinger… one for Ripley!

 It goes on… 

"The Christmas story has been told with the help of a Welsh chapel's unlikely helpers - the congregation's dogs. 

Reverend Rory Castle Jones, minister of the chapel near Pontardawe*, Swansea, said, "We looked at each dog and thought 'Who looks like they could be a Mary, who looks like they could be a good shepherd?" 

"No auditions were held for the parts, with dogs selected because they looked like certain characters."

"The pooches were dressed in tinsel, tea towels and colourful scarves brought by members of the congregation to assume their roles."

Baby Jesus was played by a “pug Jack Russell cross”, who will obviously have a leading role in a future Good Friday production… even though its performance might be a bit wooden. Yes… it’s nailed on!

And for next Christmas, hows about…“101 Damnations”? 

Talk about barking mad! You couldn’t make it up!

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful." Lucius Annaeus Seneca (c. 1 BCE – CE 65) 

*Shouldn’t that be Pontar-duh?

Two nights ago I switched on the telly to scan down the list of programmes available. Top of the pile on BBC 1 was… and I use the term loosely… ‘a film’…  with the title, ‘KISS-ASS 2’ Snappy, eh? It has been described as a… “black comedy, superhero film” 

Of course, stateside, 'ass' doesn't mean 'donkey', it means 'arse', which is surely a problem for the reverends of the 200 Christian denominations in the U.S. when they talk about J.C. riding into Jerusalem on his ass! That must get a few guffaws from the gathered!

Apparently this so-called 'movie' was made in 2013, which meant I had managed to avoid it for nine years.‘

I confess that I was somewhat intrigued by the sight of a ‘super-heroine’… ‘Hit Girl’… played by the 16 year-old Chlöe Grace. This waiflike wench was knocking at least seven bells out of some muscular male malcontents, in what looked exactly like carefully choreographed, combat, with a notable absence of actual contact. She put one of the well-whipped wimps wise with the words… “If I ever catch you robbing again, shit-burger, I'm going to go to Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with a life of crime?” Great dialogue, eh? Up there with “To be or not to be, that is the question…” Well, the answer in this case is... "not to be"... please!

For those who might excuse this swill as a “send up”… I would suggest that the whole shebang  should be sent up the Zambezi River… towards the Victoria Falls!

Hang your head Hollywood!